Ray

My wife and I got married in the 70s.  Both of us had been raised in Christian homes; and we both had a desire to serve the Lord in another country, leading us to the mission field.   What my wife didn’t know at the time we got married was my weakness for pornography.  When I was a teenager I had been attracted to porn  It began when I was visiting my cousins at about 12 ; and they showed me their stash of magazines.  After that, whenever I got the chance to view a magazine in a drugstore and take a peak, I never could resist. 

My compulsion for porn grew over time; and because of it, my relationship to my wife suffered; and I could see that I needed help to break free from this evil stronghold.  So, I began to search the internet for resources to help me finally find freedom.  And one of the places I found online was Battle Plan Ministries [BPM].  I contacted Rev. Bill Berry, the BPM leader; and he was faithful to write me whenever I had a question.  He pointed me to scripture; and he kept after me [lovingly] to do something that I could not bring myself to do … and that is to confess my sin to my wife.  I was doing better; but I still had the occasional “slip.”  I deluded myself to think I was doing enough; but I just couldn’t bring myself to confess to my dear wife.

It took me almost two years to face the fact that Bill was right; and finally I unloaded my burden of guilt to my wife. Now, ... I won’t tell you that it was easy.   I knew she would be disappointed;  but I just never imagined how deeply she would be hurt.  It made her feel ugly, unattractive, and undesirable, which was so far from the truth.  And I began to realize how I had committed ADULTERY in my heart every time I pursued porn online. 

Thank God, my dear wife decided to work this out.  She said she would stay with me as long as I did all I could to refrain from going back into those pits of sin and to pursue my relationship with Christ. I was so grateful to have a second chance; and it was then BPM online began to help me even more.

Dealing with this has not been easy.  Regaining my wife’s trust has taken time, … lots of time.   And while the scars of my past mistakes will never disappear, today our relationship is deeper and more intimate than ever.  We can talk about everything, … even our fears and our failures.  We both have a strong desire to not let anything or anyone separate those whom God has joined.  And today I want to say just how much I’ve grown due to my involvement with the BPM online forums where brothers in Christ have spoken truth into my life, encouraging me when I needed it, and helping me find the courage to be honest with my wife and trust her to love me in spite of my weaknesses.